Somewhere rural. Somewhen pre vacuum cleaner.
IAN: She’s a witch! Burn her!
FLEMING: I don’t follow.
IAN: What’s not to follow?
FLEMING: Your line of reasoning.
IAN: She’s a witch! A crone! She’s had congress with the Beast!
FLEMING: So you want to burn her?
IAN: Of course!
FLEMING: You want to burn Satan’s girlfriend? (more…)
Egypt. But like, Ancient Egypt. Although if you think about it, Ancient Egypt was actually a lot younger than the Egypt we have now.
BRIAN: Hey, Pharaoh?
PHARAOH: What’s up, Brian?
BRIAN: I was just thinking. You know how Moses and his brother keep showing up and being all like ‘free our people’?
PHARAOH: Yeah.
BRIAN: And they’re always like, ‘We’re messengers from God’ or whatever, and then they do all that crazy stuff. Like, they turn water into blood, and that thing with all the frogs?
PHARAOH: Yeah.
BRIAN: And every time, you get your wizards to do the same crazy stuff. Like, I’m pretty sure they turned a stick into a snake?
PHARAOH: Yeah.
BRIAN: Well, it’s just that, I mean, that’s a pretty big deal. Those guys literally created life out of an inanimate object like it was nothing.
PHARAOH: What’s your point?
BRIAN: I guess I’m just wondering why, if we have these magic wizard guys who literally have the same powers as God, why do we even need slaves? Like, why don’t we just use magic for all that stuff? I mean, it doesn’t even have to be a humanitarian thing, it’s just practical. It takes ages to build a pyramid with slaves. And you have to feed them and pay people to whip them. Your wizard could bang up ten pyramids tomorrow. For free. (more…)
Verona. An orchard. Because Capulets love fresh fruit I guess?
JULIET: O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
ROMEO: I’m over here!
JULIET: What are you doing over there?
ROMEO: I thought this was your balcony.
JULIET: That’s my mum’s balcony. Come over here before you wake her up. (more…)
A very old house, like the set of a not very good horror movie.
MARLEY: Jacob?
JACOB: Yes, Marley?
MARLEY: Are we dead?
JACOB: Of course not, we’re having this conversation.
MARLEY: It’s just, I have this sort of haunting sense of loss. All the time.
JACOB: That’s normal. As you get older you realise that every day is another closed door and it’s too late to achieve another one of your dreams.
MARLEY: Oh. I also quite strongly want to sort of be at peace and fade away and not exist anymore.
JACOB: That’s normal too. Age eats away at the strength of our emotions, our capacity to feel happy or really anything meaningful at all, and replaces them with disappointment and regret. After a certain point the ratio tips the wrong way, living is more bad than good, and it would be easier just to not exist. It’s a blessing really. Imagine having to die if life kept getting better.
MARLEY: Well, okay. But what about all the ghost hunting shows they film in our living room? (more…)
Day 1
My True Love: Merry Christmas!
Me: What is that?
My True Love: It’s a partridge! In a pear tree!
Me: Why would I want either of those things?
My True Love: What?
Me: I mean, I don’t even know what partridges eat. And a tree? I live in a small flat. Now I have two living things to take care of. You cave me impractical chores as a present.
My True Love: Well, I was only trying to be nice.
Me: It’s not even Christmas.
My True Love: It’s the first day of Christmas.
Me: What does that mean? There aren’t days of Christmas. It’s not Hanukkah.
My True Love: Sorry.
Day 2
My True Love: Merry Christmas!
Me: What the hell is this? (more…)
Agrabah. Or a real place. It doesn’t really matter.
Some guy, Williams, buys a lamp at mysterious market stall. Upon rubbing it a genie, Robin, appears.
Why are people always rubbing lamps? I’ve never rubbed a lamp. Am I missing out? Hang on a second… It was alright I guess. Pretty much what I expected.
ROBIN: You have rubbed my lamp, I will grant you three wishes!
WILLIAMS: Why? (more…)
Space, where no one can hear you accidentally call your teacher ‘Mum’.
More specifically, inside a flying saucer. Like, a spaceship, not something you’d put a cup on.
L. RON: I gotta be honest with you, Hubbard, I think you got problems.
HUBBARD: Why?
L. RON: Really? Why? Maybe because you fly around the galaxy tagging fields and mutilating cows for no reason.
HUBBARD: How is that a problem?
L. RON: Right now, you’re jamming stuff up some random guy you found. (more…)
Cubicles, chairs, lives wasted making other people rich. A completely normal office.
Dancing arrives at work to a seemingly empty office. When he turns on the lights, everybody leaps out in a surprise attack of balloons and party poppers. Queen is their leader.
QUEEN: Happy birthday!
DANCING: It’s not my birthday.
QUEEN: Merry Christmas?
DANCING: It’s not Christmas.
QUEEN: Easter?
DANCING: No.
QUEEN: I know it’s some sort of special day.
DANCING: It’s the first anniversary of my wife’s death. (more…)
Somewhere romantic. Like the alley behind a restaurant. Or a volcano. Pope and Francis share a single stand of spaghetti. On a side note, I learned everything I know about romance from Lady and the Tramp and James Bond movies.
Pope: Francis, you complete me.
Francis: You complete me too, Pope.
Pope: No, I mean literally. Your limbs and head are a perfect match. I’ll finally be more than a torso in a chair. (more…)
A room somewhere, probably in a bar or restaurant. It’s speed dating night. Morgan and Freeman sit down for their date.
Freeman: I’m going to be honest with you. I misunderstood what speed dating was. And I didn’t know how much speed to take, so I took a lot to be on the safe side. Like, too much.
Morgan: Still not the worst opening line I’ve heard tonight.
Freeman: Would it be weird if I ate some of your face? Like, not all of it, just a bit. (more…)
Sam Rugg's Concise Narratives 