The Wizards Of Egypt: A Play

Egypt. But like, Ancient Egypt. Although if you think about it, Ancient Egypt was actually a lot younger than the Egypt we have now.

BRIAN: Hey, Pharaoh?

PHARAOH: What’s up, Brian?

BRIAN: I was just thinking. You know how Moses and his brother keep showing up and being all like ‘free our people’?

PHARAOH: Yeah.

BRIAN: And they’re always like, ‘We’re messengers from God’ or whatever, and then they do all that crazy stuff. Like, they turn water into blood, and that thing with all the frogs?

PHARAOH: Yeah.

BRIAN: And every time, you get your wizards to do the same crazy stuff. Like, I’m pretty sure they turned a stick into a snake?

PHARAOH: Yeah.

BRIAN: Well, it’s just that, I mean, that’s a pretty big deal. Those guys literally created life out of an inanimate object like it was nothing.

PHARAOH: What’s your point?

BRIAN: I guess I’m just wondering why, if we have these magic wizard guys who literally have the same powers as God, why do we even need slaves? Like, why don’t we just use magic for all that stuff? I mean, it doesn’t even have to be a humanitarian thing, it’s just practical. It takes ages to build a pyramid with slaves. And you have to feed them and pay people to whip them. Your wizard could bang up ten pyramids tomorrow. For free.

PHARAOH: Ah, but what about the economy?

BRIAN: Why do we even need the economy? We have wizards!

PHARAOH: Without the economy, people wouldn’t have jobs.

BRIAN: They wouldn’t need jobs.

PHARAOH: I don’t follow.

BRIAN: Jobs are just things we invented so we could get the stuff we need. If we can get the stuff we need without jobs, then what’s the point of having jobs?

PHARAOH: I don’t follow.

BRIAN: Jobs aren’t, like, an inherent, necessary part of life. They’re not a human need. They’re just a thing we invented as an efficient way to distribute labour and satisfy our needs.

PHARAOH: I don’t follow.

BRIAN: If wizards can supply our needs, there’s no point everybody spending their lives doing unnecessary jobs. They could spend them doing something meaningful.

PHARAOH: Wait, is this all just a metaphor for the mechanisation of the work force?

BRIAN: It wasn’t originally, but it did sort of turn into that, didn’t it?

PHARAOH: A bit, yes.

BRIAN: So I should cancel plans to have the wizards do everything?

PHARAOH: Immediately. I don’t want them realising that they’re the ones that actually do everything, and I’m not really necessary.

BRIAN: Was that a metaphor for the relationship between workers and upper management?

PHARAOH: You’re fired.

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