Probing: A Play

Space, where no one can hear you accidentally call your teacher ‘Mum’.

More specifically, inside a flying saucer. Like, a spaceship, not something you’d put a cup on.

L. RON: I gotta be honest with you, Hubbard, I think you got problems.

HUBBARD: Why?

L. RON: Really? Why? Maybe because you fly around the galaxy tagging fields and mutilating cows for no reason.

HUBBARD: How is that a problem?

L. RON: Right now, you’re jamming stuff up some random guy you found.

HUBBARD: I’m probing him.

L. RON: But why? What are you learning?

HUBBARD: Don’t hate the playa, hate the game.

L. RON: What game? Seriously, what game are you playing that you need to jam stuff up some random guy?

HUBBARD: Haters gonna hate.

L. RON: I mean, do you have any idea how complicated this ship is? Do you understand what we had to do to travel faster than light? And you’re just, you’re flying around being a dick. We’re supposed to be ambassadors to our species, and now, when people think of us, they don’t think of our poetry or our rock operas or the pyramids we built them thousands of years ago. They think of you, ruining their farms and jamming stuff all up inside them.

HUBBARD: Nobody understands me.

L. RON: Because you keep jamming stuff all up inside them!

HUBBARD: This isn’t fair. My whole life my parents, my teachers, TV, everyone told me to live my dreams. And then I finally do, and everyone wants me to stop.

L. RON: They only said that because they didn’t know what your dreams were!

HUBBARD: So what am I supposed to do?

L. RON: Take all that stuff out of that guy, and then let’s complete our mission.

Sullenly, Hubbard takes all that stuff out of that guy.

HUBBARD: What was the mission again?

L. RON: We need to release weather balloons that people will mistake for spaceships.

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