Wherefore Wouldn’t I Be Romeo? A Play

Verona. An orchard. Because Capulets love fresh fruit I guess?

JULIET: O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

ROMEO: I’m over here!

JULIET: What are you doing over there?

ROMEO: I thought this was your balcony.

JULIET: That’s my mum’s balcony. Come over here before you wake her up.

ROMEO: Sorry. Anyway, in answer to your question, I’m right here.

JULIET: Actually, wherefore doesn’t mean where, it means why, so I wasn’t wondering so much where you were as who and why you were. It’s a common misconception.

ROMEO: That seems unnecessarily confusing.

JULIET: English is an unnecessarily confusing language.

ROMEO: Well then, in answer to your question, according to these really friendly people who gave me a free personality test, I’m Romeo because millions of years ago this space tyrant dumped all these people in a volcano, and now I’m covered in their ghosts.

JULIET: To be honest it was more of a rhetorical question.

ROMEO: If I pay for enough lessons, I can get rid of my ghosts! Or get better ghosts? I don’t remember exactly, but ghostwise, I’ll be killing it.

JULIET: Will that take long? I was sort of hoping we could get married and then, due to the lack of telecommunications technology, accidentally commit suicide.

ROMEO: Yeah… About that.

JULIET: Oh God… You hate me!

ROMEO: I don’t hate you. It’s just that you’re, well, thirteen.

JULIET: I’m nearly fourteen.

ROMEO: That’s not as big a distinction as it seems to you. And, look, it was great meeting you, you’re a really cool person, but I was super drunk, and you were wearing all that make up and let’s just be friends. Or mortal enemies due to unclear familial grievances. Whatever’s comfortable for you.

JULIET: I thought you loved me…

ROMEO: I only just met you. And at a party. And I was only there at all to try to get off with your cousin.

JULIET: But… Love at first sight.

ROMEO: Oh, and if you could not say anything about this to anyone, especially cops, you’d be doing me a massive favour. I mean, we didn’t really do anything, but this sort of thing can get weird and it just seems like it would be better for everyone if you never mentioned it again.

JULIET: I’ve already picked out a wedding dress.

ROMEO: That’s great! Now when you meet the right guy, someone age appropriate, maybe from a family that’s never murdered or been murdered by your family, you’ll already have a wedding dress ready. Imagine how much pressure that will take off.

JULIET: If I can’t have you, I might as well kill myself!

ROMEO: Look, I’m just some guy you met at a party, it’s not for me to tell you what you can and can’t do.

JULIET: You’re just going to let me commit suicide?

ROMEO: You did say you were going to do that anyway…

Juliet glares with all the rage of a hormonal thirteen year old girl. Everything is changing and she had a lot to be angry about before she met this guy.

ROMEO: No, you’re right, that was uncool of me. Look, therapy hasn’t been invented yet, but I know a friar you can talk to. He has this potion that will put you in a coma for a bit, but then you’ll wake up afterwards. Maybe that’s sort of the best of both worlds?

JULIET: Just go!

ROMEO: Okay, I’m off. Just, you know, I really can’t emphasise enough how important it is that you don’t tell anyone about any of this.




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