Verona. An orchard. Because Capulets love fresh fruit I guess?
JULIET: O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
ROMEO: I’m over here!
JULIET: What are you doing over there?
ROMEO: I thought this was your balcony.
JULIET: That’s my mum’s balcony. Come over here before you wake her up.
ROMEO: Sorry. Anyway, in answer to your question, I’m right here.
JULIET: Actually, wherefore doesn’t mean where, it means why, so I wasn’t wondering so much where you were as who and why you were. It’s a common misconception.
ROMEO: That seems unnecessarily confusing.
JULIET: English is an unnecessarily confusing language.
ROMEO: Well then, in answer to your question, according to these really friendly people who gave me a free personality test, I’m Romeo because millions of years ago this space tyrant dumped all these people in a volcano, and now I’m covered in their ghosts.
JULIET: To be honest it was more of a rhetorical question.
ROMEO: If I pay for enough lessons, I can get rid of my ghosts! Or get better ghosts? I don’t remember exactly, but ghostwise, I’ll be killing it.
JULIET: Will that take long? I was sort of hoping we could get married and then, due to the lack of telecommunications technology, accidentally commit suicide.
ROMEO: Yeah… About that.
JULIET: Oh God… You hate me!
ROMEO: I don’t hate you. It’s just that you’re, well, thirteen.
JULIET: I’m nearly fourteen.
ROMEO: That’s not as big a distinction as it seems to you. And, look, it was great meeting you, you’re a really cool person, but I was super drunk, and you were wearing all that make up and let’s just be friends. Or mortal enemies due to unclear familial grievances. Whatever’s comfortable for you.
JULIET: I thought you loved me…
ROMEO: I only just met you. And at a party. And I was only there at all to try to get off with your cousin.
JULIET: But… Love at first sight.
ROMEO: Oh, and if you could not say anything about this to anyone, especially cops, you’d be doing me a massive favour. I mean, we didn’t really do anything, but this sort of thing can get weird and it just seems like it would be better for everyone if you never mentioned it again.
JULIET: I’ve already picked out a wedding dress.
ROMEO: That’s great! Now when you meet the right guy, someone age appropriate, maybe from a family that’s never murdered or been murdered by your family, you’ll already have a wedding dress ready. Imagine how much pressure that will take off.
JULIET: If I can’t have you, I might as well kill myself!
ROMEO: Look, I’m just some guy you met at a party, it’s not for me to tell you what you can and can’t do.
JULIET: You’re just going to let me commit suicide?
ROMEO: You did say you were going to do that anyway…
Juliet glares with all the rage of a hormonal thirteen year old girl. Everything is changing and she had a lot to be angry about before she met this guy.
ROMEO: No, you’re right, that was uncool of me. Look, therapy hasn’t been invented yet, but I know a friar you can talk to. He has this potion that will put you in a coma for a bit, but then you’ll wake up afterwards. Maybe that’s sort of the best of both worlds?
JULIET: Just go!
ROMEO: Okay, I’m off. Just, you know, I really can’t emphasise enough how important it is that you don’t tell anyone about any of this.