Speed Dating: A Play

A room somewhere, probably in a bar or restaurant. It’s speed dating night. Morgan and Freeman sit down for their date.

Freeman: I’m going to be honest with you. I misunderstood what speed dating was. And I didn’t know how much speed to take, so I took a lot to be on the safe side. Like, too much.

Morgan: Still not the worst opening line I’ve heard tonight.

Freeman: Would it be weird if I ate some of your face? Like, not all of it, just a bit.

Morgan: What do you do?

Freeman: Well, I’m constantly vibrating, but I’m also perfectly still.

Morgan: I work at a boutique agency, but I’m thinking about a career change. I thought that fulfilling my own passions would make me happy, now I think the trick is to help other people fulfil their passions, as a teacher or a therapist. Or maybe the problem is that I’m always trying to be happy, and the real trick is to just be happy, you know. Stop looking for something external to change me, and just learn to be content with who I am.

Freeman: Isn’t it weird that we eat angels?

Morgan: Do you have any hobbies?

Freeman: I like to sing Bohemian Rhapsody as a single high pitched noise.

Morgan: I go to bootcamp, but I hate it. I hate getting up that early, I hate the instructor, I hate the other people that do it with me. But mostly I hate myself for internalising society’s arbitrary expectations, for putting so much time and effort into being the person I’m supposed to want to be at the expense of the person I am. I’d rather stay at home and write hard sci fi novels, but then people would think I was weird.

Freeman: What if one of my hands is just a reflection of my other hand?

Morgan: I guess that’s the core of all my problems. I keep trying to be the person other people think I should want to be, and then acting surprised when it doesn’t make me happy. And I never stop to ask, all the people I’m trying to please, are they happy? Do they even care if I’m happy?

He’s eating a napkin.

A bell goes off.

Morgan: Well,I guess our time’s up. This has been so… relaxing. I’ve never told anyone any of this stuff. I’d love to do this again.

Freeman: You’ve mistaken your own self absorption for depth and introspection.

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