Month: November 2016

Interesting People Do Look At Explosions

The bad guys’ headquarters exploded, a perfect example of Michael Bay’s Theory Of Story Structure And Emotional Subtext.

‘Woah, what is that?’ said Jack Nitro.

‘It’s an explosion,’ said Kevin.

Jack Nitro’s stoic masculinity was fractured by a moment of confusion. ‘That’s what explosions look like?’ (more…)

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Who’s Put Off By Virginia Woolf?

The sun was shining and the birds were singing, although they were singing that mainstream corporate birdsong they have now, rather than the real birdsong of your mid to late teens which was definitely not motivated in any way by commercial interests.

‘Oh my god, a food truck!’ said Mary Shelly (not that one). ‘I love how the food is prepared in a truck instead of a kitchen, and yet still costs the same despite the considerable savings on rent and staff!’

‘I know!’ said Virginia Woolf (or that one). ‘And by not providing somewhere for us to eat they don’t just save money, they can serve more customers than a traditional restaurant which is limited by it’s physical seating capacity, without passing any of the savings on to us, the customer!’

‘I’m going to have a simulacrum of fast food made with healthier or more ethical ingredients to convince me I’m a foodie,’ said Mary Shelly.

‘I’m going to have a bland meal from my past and enjoy nostalgia in place of actual flavour,’ said Virginia Woolf.

‘Wait, what’s that falling towards us?’ said Mary Shelly.

The refrigerator hit Virginia Woolf with the full force of a refrigerator dropped from a window forty floors above. (more…)

Australia’s Got Justice

Gwendoline approached the bench. It was her first time in a courtroom. She hadn’t expected the bright lights. Or the sprawling studio audience. Or for there to be three judges, all of them celebrities.

‘Present your case,’ said the middle judge. Gwendoline wasn’t very good at celebrities, but she thought this one might have been in girl group back in the Nineties. (more…)

True Story

I read somewhere that the best way to tell if you’re writing something good is that you don’t want to write it. Being uncomfortable means you’re sharing something real, making yourself vulnerable. And as any good gossip knows, the best stories are the ones people don’t want you to know. So here we go, the story I don’t want to tell you.

I killed two people. (more…)

Children’s Books For Modern Realities

books

They’d been sitting in silence for some time. Not minutes, but eye contact can make seconds longer than minutes.

‘And this would be a children’s book?’ said the publisher at last.

‘A picture book, yes,’ said the author. ‘Or possibly one of those ones with lots of different materials and surfaces for them to touch.’

Three quarters of the eye contact continued. The remaining eye was beginning to twitch.

‘And children would read it?’ said the publisher.

‘Only the very smart ones. For the most part I expect their parents will read it to them.’

The publisher looked down at the thing in front of her. The torn pieces of cardboard had not been sewn together with a steady hand. ‘This book that you’ve written.’

‘Yes.’

‘The book titled ‘Never Try, The Meritocracy Is A Lie’.’ (more…)