Month: December 2015

Rudolph The Reindeer Who Was More Than The Colour Of His Nose

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose, and if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows. Like a glow stick, possibly, or your dreams just before you have a child and think they might still come true.

But all of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. Like Menstruation Face. Worse, they never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games. For instance, reindeer laser tag, or reindeer Guess Who.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say ‘Rudolph with your nose so bright, won’t you guide my slay tonight?’

Rudolph said nothing for some time. Then he said ‘Seriously?’ (more…)

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The Twelve Days Of Christmas: A Play

Day 1

My True Love: Merry Christmas!

Me: What is that?

My True Love: It’s a partridge! In a pear tree!

Me: Why would I want either of those things?

My True Love: What?

Me: I mean, I don’t even know what partridges eat. And a tree? I live in a small flat. Now I have two living things to take care of. You cave me impractical chores as a present.

My True Love: Well, I was only trying to be nice.

Me: It’s not even Christmas.

My True Love: It’s the first day of Christmas.

Me: What does that mean? There aren’t days of Christmas. It’s not Hanukkah.

My True Love: Sorry.

Day 2

My True Love: Merry Christmas!

Me: What the hell is this? (more…)

Pinocchio And The Economy Of Lies

‘Mr… Pinocchio, is it?’ said the woman. She wore a grey suit.

‘Just Pinocchio. Like Cher. Or God,’ said Pinocchio.

‘Right. Well, thank you for coming in today,’ said the man. He also wore a grey suit.

‘If I’m honest, and the alternative is sudden and unwanted cosmetic augmentation, I didn’t have much on.’

‘That’s actually what we wanted to talk to you about,’ said the woman. ‘The American government would like to buy your nose.’ (more…)

Practical Wishes: A Play

Agrabah. Or a real place. It doesn’t really matter.

Some guy, Williams, buys a lamp at mysterious market stall. Upon rubbing it a genie, Robin, appears.

Why are people always rubbing lamps? I’ve never rubbed a lamp. Am I missing out? Hang on a second… It was alright I guess. Pretty much what I expected.

ROBIN: You have rubbed my lamp, I will grant you three wishes!

WILLIAMS: Why? (more…)

God: Missing, Presumed Dead

‘God is dead,’ said Nietzsche.

‘You mean that in our pursuit of a rational understanding of the universe we have inadvertently done away with the basis of all moral authority, paving the way to our own civilisation’s nihilistic downfall?’ said Jerry.

‘I mean he’s literally dead. I need you to help me to dispose of the body.’ (more…)

Probing: A Play

Space, where no one can hear you accidentally call your teacher ‘Mum’.

More specifically, inside a flying saucer. Like, a spaceship, not something you’d put a cup on.

L. RON: I gotta be honest with you, Hubbard, I think you got problems.

HUBBARD: Why?

L. RON: Really? Why? Maybe because you fly around the galaxy tagging fields and mutilating cows for no reason.

HUBBARD: How is that a problem?

L. RON: Right now, you’re jamming stuff up some random guy you found. (more…)