Aladdin And The Disappointing Realities Of Life

‘No,’ said Jasmine.

‘You must have misheard,’ said Aladdin. ‘I said ‘Will you marry me?”

The vibrant city of Agrabah did the hustle. Also the bustle. A thousand loud men shouted to be heard over the other nine hundred and ninety nine. A million scents curled into a fist to punch you in the nose, but in a good way, like at a fight club, or in the bedroom between two consenting adults. Visually it was dazzling, despite its best efforts to camouflage itself against the surrounding desert, presumably as protection from other, more carnivorous cities.

‘I heard you just fine,’ said Jasmine.

‘Then you must have misspoke,’ said Aladdin. ‘It sounded like you said ‘no’.’

‘You’re a homeless, unemployed petty criminal.’

‘All the great heroes are homeless, unemployed petty criminals. Gandalf, Robin Hood, the tramp from Lady and the Tramp.’

‘I’m a princess.’

‘I’m a great guy!’

‘Then why don’t you have any friends?’

‘I have friends!’

‘You have a monkey, a lamp and a carpet.’

‘We flew around together and sang a duet.’

‘And that means I have to spend the rest of my life with you? You realise I could marry literally anyone, right? Literally literally anyone. Watch this,’ Jasmine called to a passing man at random. ‘You there, man who should probably invest in a shirt, would you like to marry me?’

‘I’ll go and get my good fez!’

She turned next to the man’s somewhat disgruntled wife. ‘What about you, woman who should ask her husband to carry some of their shopping, would you like to marry me as well?’

‘I’ll fetch my best billowing see through pants!’

‘I’ve changed my mind. Sorry.’ They walked away crestfallen, and Jasmine turned back to Aladdin. ‘Do you see? And they both had jobs. And a home. And human friends.’

‘In my defence, my monkey wears a little vest, and Robin Williams lives inside my lamp.’

‘Robin Williams is dead. It was a global tragedy.’

Aladdin mourned the death of Robin Williams. Then he came up with a new tactic. ‘If you marry me, I’ll have a job.’

This did not impress Jasmine as much as he’d hoped. ‘That’s another thing. If you marry me, you’ll be king one day. That’s an incredibly difficult, important job. It will affect the lives of millions. What do you know about leadership? Or diplomacy? Or economic management? You can’t run a kingdom by stealing bread.’

‘So, what, you’re just going to marry some prince, with an education and his own shoes?’

‘I probably will, yes. Marrying a prince could stop a war or feed the starving. My love life has serious sociopolitical consequences.’

‘What about love?’

‘What’s my surname?’

Aladdin’s mouth hung open slightly too long. ‘What?’

‘If you love me so much, what’s my surname?’

‘Princess… Beautiful… Face?’

‘You think my name is Jasmine Princess Beautiful Face?’

‘I think you have a beautiful face.’

‘I think you’re just a work shy degenerate who relies on his charisma in place of any actual positive qualities, and you see marrying me as a way to get rich without ever having to do any work.’

‘Fine then, don’t marry me,’ said Aladdin. He turned to storm away, and then he turned back. ‘Do you have any rich friends? They have to be hot.’

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