‘I want to eat you,’ said Dylan.
‘Excuse me?’ said Belinda.
‘It doesn’t have to be all of you. Just a bit. Enough for a stir fry.’
‘You know we’re getting married, right?’
‘You know when you look at a kitten, and it’s so cute you want to eat it because cuddling it could never be enough to fully appreciate how cute it is? I feel that way about you, but with love. And respect. And admiration. And a literal desire to swallow and digest a part of you until it’s a part of me.’
‘Like, right now. All our friends and family are gathered here, listening to you say this.’
‘I’ve been doing some research, and I’m pretty sure that if we take a bit of meat from your thigh it should grow back. Although obviously I’m not a doctor or a professional chef, so we should probably speak to an expert before we get started.’
‘There’s a priest standing right next to us.’
‘Obviously you’re welcome to eat a bit of me, too. I think it could be very romantic if each of us cooks the other a meal of our own flesh. Wouldn’t that be romantic? We could keep the left overs in the freezer and eat them a year later, like a wedding cake.’
‘I think my dad’s deciding whether to call the police or violently attack you himself.’
‘But even if you won’t let me eat some of you, I still want to spend the rest of my life with you. That’s how much you mean to me.’
There was a longish pause.
‘Wait, was that your wedding vow?’ said Belinda.
‘Wasn’t that obvious?’ said Dylan.
‘The one you’ve spent the last two months writing?’
‘I was researching recipes.’
‘I’m so embarrassed.’
‘Because my vows seem so short and shallow by comparison.’
‘Please, Belinda, love of my life, I could never find anything of yours short or shallow. Except your friend Rebecca.’
‘Are you sure? I’m worried you’ll think I don’t love you as much as you love me.’
‘Well, here I go then.’ Belinda took a deep breath. ‘I love you so much I want to murder you and encase your head in amber like the mosquito from Jurassic Park so I can look into your perfect eyes forever.’
They lived happily ever after.