Blood Is Thicker Than Thinner Blood

‘Hello, excuse me,’ said the vampire. ‘Please do not be running avay from me.’

‘Why are the wearing evening wear and a cape?’ said Duncan. ‘It’s the middle of summer.’

‘Oh,’ said the vampire, mildly disappointed. ‘Most people run avay.’

‘You asked me not to.’

‘Yes, but it’s nice to be feared.’

‘Why would I be frightened of a pale old man in evening wear and a cape? Get a neck tattoo or something.’

‘Sometimes I think the true curse of immortality is that ve cannot share it vith the old vays.’

‘Look, I’m in a hurry.’

‘To donate your blood, yes? Your thick, rich, varm blood.’

‘How’d you know that?’

‘The only other thing down this street is a library. Nobody reads books anymore.’

‘Why read a book when you can read a short list of things that will shock you?’

‘Bram Stoker vould be turning in his grave right now, if he hadn’t got out of bed to vatch the cricket.’

‘Mate, what do you want?’

‘So impatient are you mortals, so afraid that the vorld vill pass you by that you take no time to appreciate it.’

‘It’s forty two degrees, I’m about to pass out from heatstroke.’

‘Oh, vell, I suppose that is fair enough then. I vas only vondering, since your intention is to donate your blood in any case, if you might donate it to me rather than your cross of red.’

‘You want my blood? What for?’

‘For sustenance! Vithout blood I vill perish.’

‘Mate, everyone perishes without blood.’

‘Then you understand!’

‘I’m going to walk away now.’

‘Please! It used to be so simple. Find an attractive young lady, glide through her vindow and dinner is served. But everything is so PC these days. Now you’re not allowed to drink a young lady’s blood vithout her consent. You’re not even allowed to use your evil powers to hypnotise her into saying yes. Plus nobody leaves their vindows open anymore.’

‘Times change, you just have to change with them.’

‘But how?! They vant me to be a muscular teenaged boy who sparkles in the sun, but vhen I put on glitter and Ed Hardy clothing they laugh at me.’

‘You just have to be yourself.’

‘I am being myself now!’

‘Yeah, I can see your problem.’

‘Then you vill help me?’

‘You want to drink my blood?’

‘Very much so, yes.’

‘I dunno, seems a bit gay.’

‘Not at all! I vill simply embrace you in my powerful arms and bite you tenderly upon the neck, then I vill suck your most intimate juices across my tongue and into myself.’

‘Do I get a biscuit afterwards?’

‘A biscuit?’

‘The Red Cross gives you a biscuit afterwards.’

‘I vill find you an entire packet of biscuits if I must.’

Duncan considered a long moment. ‘Ah, what the hell. Go on then.’


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