Human Resources

The door to the Human Resources Representative’s office merely said ‘Human.’ Presumably because they’d run out of room for the word ‘Resources.’ Or possibly it was a cost cutting measure.

Inside, the Human Resources Representative emanated the empty politeness of a sociopath or a human resources representative. ‘Daisy, thanks for coming in. I know you were very excited to start today, but I’m afraid there’s been a mistake.’

Daisy, whose excitement was tinged by a resentment of the economic and societal factors that caused her to be excited for an office job in the first place, said ‘What’s happened?’

The HR Representative glanced at her monitor, and then back up. ‘It turns out you’re not a real daisy.’

Daisy frowned. ‘Is this about my birth certificate? I showed it to everyone years ago. I still can’t quite believe that was a thing.’

‘We’re not talking about your name,’ said the HR Representative. ‘A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but a skunk named Rose is still basically a stinky cat.’

‘Are you calling me a skunk?’

‘Only in the most respectful, metaphorical terms.’

Daisy did her best to understand what was happening. ‘So the mistake is that you though I was an actual daisy? Like, a flower?’

‘Because of your name, yes.’

‘I suppose this does explain why my responsibilities included ‘sitting in dirt’ and ‘photosynthesising.’ But why would a daisy be named Daisy? That’s like you being named Human.’

‘I am named Human. We’re all named Human. To avoid confusion.’

Daisy glanced back at the door, which now made both more and less sense. ‘That seems much more confusing.”

‘More confusing than a fish named Bird?’ said Human, the human resources representative.

‘ “Human, Human needs you to email the report to Human. And don’t forget to CC Human.” You’re saying that doesn’t get confusing?’ said Daisy.

‘Admittedly, sometimes people get a bit stroppy, but that’s why we tried to hire a flower.’

‘What if I dress up as a flower?’

‘Can you legally change your name to Human?’

Daisy considered the economy. On the one hand, it seemed unlikely that an efficient economy would require anyone to spend the majority of their waking hours doing something completely unnecessary. But on the other hand, she wasn’t an economist.

‘I’ll do it,’ said Human.


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