The Harsh Mistress And Other Geographical Love Interests

‘Dad,’ said Dad Junior the Fifth, ‘what should I look for in a girlfriend?’

‘The sea is a harsh mistress,’ said Dad. ‘But the land is a supportive girlfriend to the point that it becomes tedious.’

‘So you’re saying I should look for someone dangerous and unpredictable?’ said Dad Junior the Fifth.

Dad didn’t seem to hear the question. ‘Now the sky, the sky can be flighty.’

‘That sounds bad.’

‘But a volcano will blow your socks off.’

‘That sounds good.’

‘The desert is dry and cold at night, but the rainforest is full of snakes and leaches.’

‘Dad, I know you’re trying to be helpful, but I’m not sure how to apply any of this to the girls in my class.’

‘The beach is fun in the summer, but remember to slip, slop, slap.’

‘I’m only nine, I don’t think any of this is applicable yet.’

‘A flowery meadow is nice for an afternoon, but it’s often full of bees.’

‘What are the bees in this scenario? Are they sarcastic comments? Are they actual bees?’

‘A frozen mountain top has excellent views, but the ice is full of dead mountaineers.’

‘Do you mean attractive women have lots of ex boyfriends?’

‘The car park behind a train station is a great place to get your motorbike stolen.’

‘I think I’ll just ask Mum.’


‘Never get married,’ said Mum.


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