Three Men Walk Into A Bar

Three men walk into a bar.

‘I’ll have a beer,’ says the first.

‘I’ll have a glass of wine,’ says the second.

‘I think I might have joined a terrorist organisation,’ says the third.

There is a pause.

‘Not on purpose, obviously,’ says the third man. ‘You remember I was an alcoholic? And then I went to AA, and it turns out they’re really Gody. Like, they can’t stop talking about him. He’s in six of their twelve steps. And at first I was a bit like, this isn’t for me. But then I crashed that bus into that other bus and I thought, okay, I’ll give it ago.

‘But it turned out they weren’t that specific about which God, so I thought I’d shop around a bit for a good one, and I found this amazing community on the internet. They were passionate, and welcoming, and their leader made some very compelling points about American imperialism. So I joined, and I learned a lot about myself, and spirituality, and the blasphemous depravity of the West. For the first time in my life I felt like I belonged, like my life had purpose. I even stopped drinking!

‘And then my mate Gary blew up that school bus. I mean, luckily he slept in, and by the time he got there everybody had got off, but he was supposed to blow up all the kids. And I mean, sure, the West’s dependence on oil shouldn’t come at the cost of another nation’s sovereignty, but kids? And I wanted to say something, but I wasn’t sure how, because I didn’t want to be offensive, and then they asked me to blow up this bar, which is why I’m wearing a bomb under my coat.’

There is another pause. Quite a lot more meaningful than the first one.

‘And now I don’t know what to do. I mean, I finally have a fulfilling, meaningful life. I can finally go to sleep without hoping I don’t wake up, and wake up without wishing I hadn’t. This is the reason I was born. This is the will of God, and AA were very specific about acknowledging that. But at the same time, you guys are alright.

‘So what do I do? Do I fulfil my life’s purpose and murder my friends, or do I abandon the only source of comfort I have in this world and return to a life of spiritual and psychological sandpaper?’

‘Is that, like, a cocktail?’ says the bartender.

‘Yes,’ says the third man.

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