Rudolph The Reindeer Who Was More Than The Colour Of His Nose

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose, and if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows. Like a glow stick, possibly, or your dreams just before you have a child and think they might still come true.

But all of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. Like Menstruation Face. Worse, they never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games. For instance, reindeer laser tag, or reindeer Guess Who.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say ‘Rudolph with your nose so bright, won’t you guide my slay tonight?’

Rudolph said nothing for some time. Then he said ‘Seriously?’

Santa was confused. ‘Why wouldn’t I be serious?’

‘All these years, you just sat back and did nothing as they tormented me. Now I have depression, anxiety, every kind of self esteem issue there is. I can’t form healthy relationships. I no longer have the physical capacity to be happy. But suddenly, ‘Oh, it’s a bit foggy, time to pretend I give a shit about Rudolph’. Well you know what, Santa? You can fuck off. You and your reindeer. I hope you all crash and die.’

‘But Rudolph,’ said Santa, ‘where’s your Christmas spirit?’

‘It died the day they all held me down and shaved my fur off, and you just sat and watched.’

‘It was just a bit of a laugh. Character building,’ said Santa.

‘Well I hope you all build a lot of character flying blind tonight.’

That night the reindeer crashed into a cathedral, and Santa was impaled on the spire. Everyone agreed that this definitely said something about the nature of modern Christmas, but nobody could agree on exactly what.

With Santa and his reindeer dead, Rudolph took over the operation. He freed the elves and then hired them on as paid, unionised employees. Together, they turned Christmas back into a celebration of family and friends with less emphasis on consumerism, but still just enough not to destroy the retail sector.

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