The Disney Guide To Picking Up

‘So, you want to bang,’ said the Prince. His chin was big and handsome almost to the point of being impractical

‘Um, well, that is, I want to find love,’ said Mitch. His face had gone as red as the Prince’s cape.

‘Same difference,’ said the Prince. ‘What’s your open?’

‘My what?’

‘How do you initiate contact with the target?’

‘The what?’

The Prince sighed. ‘The woman.’

‘Oh. Well, usually I just say hello,’ said Mitch.

The Prince shook his head in pity. ‘Classic mistake.’

‘Well, how do I make a woman fall in love with me?’

‘First,’ said the Prince, ‘you’ll want to break into an abandoned castle.’

A lot had been said about the pick up artist industry. For instance ‘It’s just a way for broken narcissists to trick the desperate into giving them money.’ And ‘If they were real artists they’d be making some sort of statement about the human condition. At best they’re pick up hacks.’ And ‘Leave me alone, I know what you’re trying to do.’

Mitch had heard it all. But Mitch also knew that he didn’t want to die alone, and a big part of not dying alone was being able to talk to a woman and not be crying in a cupboard ten minutes later. So here he was.

‘Why would I break into an abandoned castle?’ said Mitch.

‘So you can kiss the woman sleeping inside. Duh,’ said the Prince.

A moment passed.

‘Why would there be a woman sleeping inside?’ said Mitch.

‘I don’t know her life story. Who cares?’

‘And then I just kiss her? While she’s sleeping?’

‘Women like assertive men.’

‘There’s a assertive, and there’s assertive, and there’s sexual assault.’

The Prince made a sound of old frustration. ‘Do you want love, or do you want to not break into a castle to kiss a stranger while she’s asleep?’

‘Can’t I have both?’

This, it seemed, was a big ask. But the Prince was a professional. ‘Okay, fine. I’ll teach you a different technique. First, turn into a frog.’

Mitch considered this. ‘I can’t turn into a frog. I don’t think anyone can turn into a frog. Except tadpoles.’

‘Not with that attitude. For this to work, you need to turn into a frog.’

‘Then what?’

‘Then wait for a princess to kiss you, turn back, and blam, banging. Or love. Whatever.’

Mitch tried not to sound rude. ‘Why would a princess kiss a frog?’

‘I don’t know her life story. Who cares?’

‘It’s just, it almost seems like you live in a world where people just go around kissing everything they see until it has sex with them.’

‘It’s called the real world,’ said the Prince.

‘I don’t think it is.’

‘Don’t hate the player, hate the game.’

Mitch took a moment to gather the right words. ‘Do you have a method that doesn’t require breaking the law or ignoring the most fundamental rules of biology?’

This, it seemed, was an even bigger ask. But the Prince was a professional. ‘Okay, fine. I’ll teach you a different technique. First, find a woman’s shoe.’

‘Where am I supposed to find a woman’s shoe?’

‘It doesn’t matter. Have a look in the lost and found bin upstairs. Just find a shoe.’

After a moment, Mitch realised that this was the whole of the lesson. ‘Then what?’

The Prince spoke as if he was explaining the most obvious thing in the world. ‘Then find the woman it fits and bang her. Or marry her. Whatever.’

‘I’m supposed to marry a stranger because her foot happens to fit a random shoe I found in a bin?’

‘Do you want to ‘find love’ or not?’

‘I’m just not sure you understand women. Or men. Or reality,’ said Mitch. ‘Do you have a method that doesn’t require breaking the law, or ignoring most fundamental rules of biology, or an old shoe?’

This, it seemed, was the biggest ask of all. But the Prince was a professional. ‘Okay, fine. You want to make this harder than it needs to be, well I’m not afraid of a challenge. I don’t normally teach this to beginners, but here is my ultimate technique.’

Mitch leaned forwards excitedly. This was it. He was finally going to find love.

‘First, you’ll need some dwarves,’ said the Prince. ‘Ideally you want at least seven, but the most important thing is they’re guarding a corpse.’

Mitch realised he was going to die alone.

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