Super Hitler

He looked deep into her eyes, shimmering in the candlelight. ‘I love you.’

She looked deep into his abs. ‘My genitals override my brain when I look at you.’

Tongues intertwined. Hands stroked and lingered in ways few religious leaders would encourage. The air cracked like lightning being snapped in half and a man leaped from a radiant portal that hadn’t been there a second ago.

‘Stop!’ cried the stranger.

They already had. People tend to under these sorts of circumstances.

The woman made the sound people make when they try to say what, who and how at the same time.

‘It’s okay,’ said the stranger, ‘I’m covering my eyes.’

‘Thank God,’ said the man.

‘In what world does you seeing us naked even make the top ten problems with this situation?’ said the woman.

‘In what world,’ said the stranger with mounting drama, ‘or in what year?’

‘Both,’ said the woman, ruining a moment that frankly had been fizzling from the beginning.

‘Well, yeah, but, I’m a time traveller. I was doing a thing. Like, a clever reveal.’

‘Do you have an erection?’

‘It’s time travel equipment.’

‘Then why did it start wilting the moment I pointed it out?’

With the hand that wasn’t covering his eyes, the time traveller covered his wilting time travel equipment. ‘That’s not important. What’s important is my mission.’

‘What mission is that?’

‘I’ve come to stop you, well, you know. Mashing your… things.’

‘Having sex?’

The time traveller blushed a colour beyond red.

‘You’re embarrassed by the word ‘sex’?’ said the women.

‘I thought people would be less prudish in the future,’ said the man.

‘Culture is cyclical,’ said the time traveller. ‘There’s only so far you can go before the only direction left is backwards.’

‘Why do you want to stop us ‘mashing our things’?’ said the woman.

The time traveller forgot why he was covering his eyes and then remembered again very quickly. ‘You know Hitler?’

‘Not personally.’

‘Well, if you have sex right now, you’ll give birth to, basically, super Hitler.’

‘So, a good Hitler?’ said the man.

‘What? No. The opposite.’

‘Super: Adjective. Very good or pleasant, excellent,’ said the woman.

‘You know what I mean,’ said the time traveller.

‘I think you’re overestimating your skills as an orator.’

The time traveller searched his vocabulary for better words and found none. ‘An even worse Hitler.’

‘Worse how?’ said the man.

‘You don’t want to know.’

‘Never once has that statement been true,’ said the woman. ‘If it were true, you wouldn’t have to say it.’

‘Okay, well, you know how it’s polite to compliment a meal?’ said the time traveller. ‘Your child will never do that. Even when it’s good.’

‘Go on.’

The time traveller looked a little horrified at their lack of reactions. ‘Sometimes your child won’t give money to the middle class.’

‘Is that a thing in the future?’

The time traveller looked slightly more horrified. ‘Your child will occasionally say things that seem offensive even though upon careful consideration they actually aren’t.’

The couple considered the time traveller, who was still covering his eyes. And his time travel equipment.

‘How is any of that worse than genocide?’ said the woman.

‘What’s genocide?’ said the time traveller.

There was a pause, punctuated by the woman. ‘The deliberate killing of a large group of people, especially those of a particular nation or ethnic group.’

The time traveller gasped. ‘That’s horrible!’

‘Well, yes,’ said the man.

‘What do you think Hitler did?’ said the woman.

‘He was an inattentive host and an ungracious guest,’ said the time traveller.

‘Schools in the future,’ said the woman. ‘What do they teach you?’

‘Mostly we sit quietly with out eyes clothes. Facts can offend people.’

The woman considered this for a moment. It was not a long moment. ‘We’re going to mash our things now.’

‘But… Super Hitler!’

‘I think the future needs Super Hitler.’

Plus this way they wouldn’t have to think of a name.


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