The Drinking Game: A Play

Somewhere, it doesn’t matter where. Probably not, like, a bunker though. A duck pond?

Large Hadron and Collider are whatever race, gender and/or sexuality you want them to be. Maybe they’re ducks. That would explain the pond. If they’re at a pond.

Large Hadron: I’ve invented this great new drinking game.

Collider: Go on.

Large Hadron: Every time you do the wrong thing, have a drink. Every time you do the right thing but your actions are misinterpreted as the wrong thing, have a drink. Every time you’re forced to recognise the yawning canyon between who you thought you were and who you actually are, have a drink. Every time you have a drink, have a drink.

Collider: I don’t think that’s a drinking game.

Large Hadron: Then what is it?

Collider: Alcoholism.

Large Hadron: I’m not an alcoholic.

Collider: How can you be sure?

Large Hadron: Because every time you get addicted to something, you’re supposed to have a drink.

Collider: Have you had a drink today?

Large Hadron: Only five.

Collider: It’s eight thirty in the morning.

Large Hadron: Wake up, have a drink. Eat breakfast, have a drink. Feed the cat, have a drink. Look at the sky, have a drink. Recoil at the realisation that you’re still you, your life is still your life, and you’re too paralysed by self loathing to do anything about it, have a drink. I don’t make the rules.

Collider: You literally do make the rules.

Large Hadron: Well I can’t just change them whenever I want. What sort of game would it be then?

Collider: The same sort of game it is now. Alcoholism.

Large Hadron drinks.

Collider: What was that for?

Large Hadron: Be misunderstood, have a drink.

Collider: What about a new game? Wake up, get out of bed. Eat breakfast, brush your teeth. Feel depressed, go to a psychologist. Be alcoholic, go to rehab.

Large Hadron: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Collider: You’re right. What do you do in your game when you realise that you’re only giving someone else advise as a way to justify the life choices you made which, while responsible, have left you ultimately unsatisfied and numb to the joys you felt as a younger person?

Large Hadron: Have a midlife crisis.

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