Revenge And The Optimal Serving Temperature Thereof

‘Revenge is a dish best served cold,’ said Thomas.

‘Revenge is the Klingon word for ice cream,’ said Penny.

‘That actually makes a lot of sense.’

‘Because if you wait too long, the revenge isn’t as satisfying, right?’

‘And also, you spend all that time holding a grudge, letting it rot the inside of your brain, that can’t be good for you.’

The dinner party was reaching that point where all the small talk has run out and the guests begin to realise they don’t like each other. Time was running out.

‘What if we don’t even plan and just hurl our drinks in his face?’ said Penny.

‘We’re drinking water. Water’s not very good revenge.’

‘We could ask for some coffee.’

‘But then it’ll get on the carpet, and Gillian will want to get revenge on us and it’ll turn into a whole thing.’

He was right. Penny looked around the room for inspiration. ‘What if we stab him?’

Thomas considered, but not for long. ‘Then we’ll be in the same situation as the coffee, except with blood on the carpet.’

‘I could put a tarp down first.’

‘Did you bring a tarp?’

‘I’ll ask Gillian if she has one.’

‘That seems like a lot of trouble.’

Penny hurled her glass of water to the ground, not so much causing a scene as the storyboard of a scene. ‘Do you even want revenge?’

Thomas threw down his own glass. ‘Of course I want revenge!’

‘Really? Because first you were all ‘let’s get it later,’ now you’re just poking holes in everything.’

‘I’m not poking holes in anything. The holes were already there, I’m just pointing them out.’

‘Well let’s hear your great suggestion if mine are so bad.’

Thomas took a breath. ‘We get into the boot of his car now, then wait for him to drive home and go to sleep. Then we get out, walk from his garage into his house. Remember how he told that whole boring story about why he leaves it unlocked?’

‘His mother nearly died in that story.’

‘Death isn’t inherently interesting. Anyway, we get inside his house, find his credit card, go on his computer and order a bunch of really weird sex stuff in his name. When it arrives his wife will think he’s a complete pervert and there’s no way he can deny it.’

Penny had no choice not to nod. ‘That’s actually quite good. I just have one suggestion.’


‘Instead of all that, we burn his house down.’

‘That’s a big suggestion.’

‘I don’t make small suggestions.’

‘What did he actually do to us again?’

‘I asked him to pass the salt and he passed the pepper instead.’

‘I’ll go get some matches.’

As Thomas left, Gillian put her hand up.

‘What is it?’ said Penny.

‘You know I was standing here the whole time, right?’

‘Of course I do, I’m not rude.’


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