Fashion: A Play

A bedroom. There’s a full length mirror. There should probably be a lock on the door. The names Batman and Robin are a lot more common than you think .

Batman: This isn’t what it looks like.

Robin: That’s good, because it looks like you’re dressed as a baby.

Batman: Well, that part is what it looks like.

Robin: It was good you didn’t lead with that.

Batman: I can explain.

Robin: Maybe, but should you?

Batman: Don’t you want to know why I’m dressed as a baby?

Robin: Given the number of reasons for a grown man to dress as a baby versus the number of good reasons for a grown man to dress like a baby, the odds aren’t in anyone’s favour here.

Batman: It’s not a sexual thing.

Robin: Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad, but that still leaves a whole festival of possibilities.

Batman: And I’m not, like, trying to become a baby by dressing as one.

Robin: I hadn’t actually considered that possibility.

Batman: Because, I mean, the pros don’t really outweigh the cons. Of being a baby again.

Robin: Probably shouldn’t have explained the reason you don’t want to be a baby.

Batman: I mean, it would be nice to have someone else take care of all your problems, and love you unconditionally, but you have no freedom, and you can’t even explain what you want.

Robin: We didn’t really need another reason not to have this conversation, but that was a good one.

Batman: Obviously there are a lot of good reasons to wear a nappy.

Robin: Are there?

Batman: You can’t always find a toilet, sometimes you’re in the middle of something important, public toilets are gross, but that’s not why I’m wearing it. I mean, I wasn’t going to use it.

Robin: I think you should consider what you hope to achieve with this conversation, and weigh it against, well, the inescapable consequences of this conversation.

Batman: I’m only wearing the bonnet because I looked weird without it.

Robin: Some would say you look weird with it.

Batman: Yeah, but you can’t really pair a nappy with a grown man’s haircut.

Robin: Nor should you.

Batman: I guess what I’m trying to say –

Robin: Again, you don’t have to say anything. I can just close this door and walk away and never mention this again.

Batman: Think about this. A nappy and a bonnet is fine for summer, but what do babies wear when it’s cold?

Robin: Smaller versions or normal clothes.

Batman: Onesies.

Robin: You can get little baby jeans. And baby hoodies.

Batman: And now adults wear onesies. It was a whole craze.

Robin: They make baby versions of just about every kind of normal adult clothing.

Batman: And if you think about it, an adult in a onesie is really just an adult dressed as a baby.

Robin: You can get baby tuxedos.

Batman: So I’m thinking, what about when it’s too hot to wear a onesie? Introducing… the summer onesie!

Robin: You know what you are?

Batman: A genius.

Robin: Well, yeah, but I wanted to say it.


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