The Internship: A Play

An office. On the wall a poster somehow turns the plight of a kitten into inspiration for humans. Ted sits at his desk. Bill sits across from him. It’s not necessarily that Bill and Ted. 

Bill: So, you’re here about the internship?

Ted:That’s right.

Bill: Excellent. Now, you’ll need to have six years experience doing the job we’re not going to pay you for, plus a doctorate in the field.

Ted: Six years? I thought it was five years.

Bill: That’s right, ten years of experience. Have you ever been the CEO of anything?

Ted: What?

Bill: We only accept interns who have fifteen years experience as the CEO of this company.

Ted: The CEO of this company?

Bill: Or a better company. We accept only the highest calibre of interns.

Ted: How am I supposed to get fifteen years of experience as the CEO of this company if you won’t even give me an internship?

Bill: It’s not our concern how you get twenty years of experience as the President of the United States.

Ted: The President? But American presidents can only serve for ten years.

Bill: If you’re not interested in the internship, we have plenty of other very keen applicants.

Ted: Who were the President of the United States for twenty years?

Bill: Yes. We require all of our interns to have always been the one true God.

Ted: Is this internship at least paid?

Bill: Of course. You’ll need to pay us $200,000 a year, plus bonuses.

Ted: I have to pay you?

Bill: We’re a business, not a charity. If we don’t make money, we can’t afford to create jobs.

Ted: So you’re going to use that money to create jobs?

Bill: Of course not, why would we create jobs when so many people like you have to work for free just to get a foot in the door?

Ted: How long is this internship?

Bill: Forever.

Ted: For the rest of my life?

Bill: Yes, and then we’ll require your ghost to continue working for us. Or your skeleton if you come back as a spooky skeleton. Plus overtime. If you want to get noticed your ghost and your skeleton will have to work a lot of overtime.

Ted: But after that I’ll get a job here?

Bill: No, after that we’ll replace you with another free intern. It’s much more cost effective for us than hiring employees.

Ted: When do I start?

Bill: You mean you haven’t started aleady?

Ted: We’re still in the interview.

Bill: I’m afraid we can’t accept lazy interns. Please leave.

Ted: But how could I possibly have already been working here?

Bill: You should have founded the company. Next!

Exit Ted. 

Enter Rufus.

Bill: Oh, hello Mr. CEO, how can I help you?

Rufus: I’m here to apply for the internship.


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